Friday, June 06, 2008

'There's no half-Solly

A friend said this to me recently: "There's no half-Solly". And, he's right. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? It's something I've wrestled with for years. It's not the first time that's been said to me. In recent years, I think I've learned to water myself down for those who can't really handle all of me, but it kills me to do it. In the end, I drift away from those relationships where I can't truly be myself...all of me.

I am a passionate person. When I get excited about something or someone, everyone around me knows it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face is pretty much a billboard constantly advertising each passing emotion and thought. When something is on my heart, it's usually all I can do to keep from bursting. I love deeply and I feel things intensely. I often get emotionally involved in things that I shouldn't and carry the weight of other people's problems. I would do anything for a loved one and have often done so even when it costs me more than they know. This part of me has gotten me in trouble more than once, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

A couple of years ago, I read the book "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge. This idea of being "too much" and "not enough" at the same time was raised. Women are often afraid that they are not enough for the people in their life, or that they are too much in their true form. I must admit, I struggle with both ideas. They seem conflicting, but I'm not sure that's true. Maybe we feel like we're not enough because we're not being all we are for fear of being too much, thereby perpetuating a cycle that keeps us insecure and unsure of ourselves.

It's taken me a long time to be ok that there's "no half-Solly". I am much less of a people pleaser than I have been in years past. I still struggle with it. I still bite my tongue when I want to speak or water myself down when I don't think someone will be able to handle all that I am. But, I'm learning to rest comfortably in my wholeness. I'm learning to be ok in the moments where I must hold my tongue in order to keep the peace, but I'm also learning to speak when it's truly important. I'm learning to be more patient and less impetuous. It's been a long journey, but I'm happy in the walking of it. Maybe one day I'll find some middle ground, but I'm beginning to think that's just not how God made me. And, that's ok. I just have to choose carefully who gets all of me and trust that they will love me for who I am.


JD said...

Excellent description of yourself, Solly. I wouldn't have you any other way. This makes me miss you. I am quite glad there is no half-Solly.

Christy said...

Thanks Jonathan! I miss you too! This friend has recently started calling me Solly, and it's been kinda weird. You're one of the few people who calls me that and it doesn't seem weird. Having him calling me Solly has made me miss you even more. I can't wait to meet TMD. I'm so excited for you and Joya! I'll make it happen soon.